Hello, I'm feeling a little down because well it's obvious to me that not many people seem to like me and if they do they almost certainly have a very poor way of showing it. I'm disappointed in myself and others for not making more of an effort to solve this issue I'm having, I often feel lonely and almost always turn down invitations to do things or meet new people so It's probably all my fault, I'm 24 almost 25 and I feel unconformable around people I don't know and I'm sure this puts people off wanting to get to know me. I don't know how to fix this or even if it is fixable, I want to accept people and let them get to know me but it feels impossible for some reason. I don't know how to force myself out of this so I fear it will always be an issue. Don't get me wrong I love being around nice people that I get on with but also require my alone time, and more often that not I'll choose alone time over doing something with a friend but I really want to change that...and maybe build a small army of friends that will give me a wider choice of things to do, hopefully anything but drinking.

Before I started wring I had many ideas of the things I wanted to say but as soon as I started to write it all faded away. I'm not so sure what I'm getting at with the crap I've written so please forgive it's stupidity. It's very hard for me to put my thoughts into words so it doesn't really help with this....

I'm finding it very difficult to continue being nice to people, I think you'll find that over the past couple of weeks my tolerance for stupidity and retardedness has almost faded away, and my feelings are forcing me to voice my true opinions so if you get in the way I'm most likely to tell you what I really think rather than sugar coating it like I use to. Oh yeah, fuck you, you fat fucking retard (I'm sure you know who you are).

People all around the world love to complain about things that never change because they are too lazy to get off their fat arses and do something about it. I know I'm not perfect, but before you start how about you go fuck yourself. Just today I'm half listening to someone going on about something to do with the county turning into the toilet of the world, and I say to them, if they got of that fat arse and actually did something about it we wouldn't have a problem, but too may people are just talking about how something is wrong and never do anything about it. Shortly after I had this idea that if there was a place people could go to organise a group that could take control of the situation, and they could find all the right people that can push the issues forward to get them fixed, it could already exist, and if it does let me know.

Before I end this short blog I'd just like to say that I'm very disappointed with ATI for not fixing the big cursor issue in the new drives, I'm sure they said they fixed it in the last drivers but I guess that was just a lie, also since installing the new drivers the main monitor doesn't seem to go into turn off when it's meant to. While I'm talking about disappointment I'd just like to say it's opposite of what the HTC HD2 does for me, I fucking love it and if I could have sex with it I probably would, but the 3.5 socket is just a little to big to get any sort of felling....

Spunk.

*** ANOTHER FORGOTTEN ONE 17/01/2010 ***

The flaming fire paints the skies black....? No idea? same here. So this week has been somewhat stressful, there has been peaks of rage building inside, but guess what? what? yea, you got it right I have this tiny little feeling in the back of my mind that there has been some progress with something. Anyway the day I went back to work wasn't very nice so I was feeling pretty down, but not to worry the rest of the week was pretty much the same, and I really don't think I should be working so much, I had plans to not actually go back to work this week, but shit happened and I ended up going to work anyway and I really don't want to deal with all the bullshit that is forced upon me every day. I keep saying to myself that there is no reason to be pissed off or stressed about things yet I still let it get to me.

I get upset when people around me are angry and shout and kick things, I'm pretty sure it's because it reminds me of something...Mr X is pissed off and Mrs X (Alcoholic Mrs X) wants more money to go out and spend on more drink so she can come home and spew up in the toilet all night and keep me awake. Just tonight before the shop was closing Alan started acting all pissed off and was all angry about something so he walked off and kicked an old TV then just seemed really angry, and I just find it so hard to deal with stuff like that, I know it's not me that's annoyed but it just makes me feel so sad and need to get away and be by myself for a little while.

I want to try and do something different every week, like change something about me or just do something silly or fun even if it's only fun for me. I'm taking suggestions for things, it could be anything like walk around the streets telling people that I'm god and will piss on them if they don't give me 25p, but it would probably be more use full if it was something that helped me in some way. I'm tired and my imagination went to sleep about 20 minutes ago, so sleep

So apparently I write like a girl, almost all of my Blogs are feminine according to "The Gender Genie" :(. I don't think they look like a girl wrote them, but gg doesn't lie, and it 100% accurate 500% of the time, and that's a fact because I wrote it here. Was her not if with where be when your we she and myself me.

*** FORGOT TO POST THIS ONE 06/11/09 ***

Another Day Another Plan

I know full well that my often and very silly ramblings on about how I hate life and nothing ever changes because my plans don't ever seem to work out are my downfall, feeling like you have no reason to be alive or just generally sad because you can't always get what you want is more pointless than the point I thought I was trying to get across and once again brought a spark of light to the almost burnt out ideas that played a small role in trying to get myself up of the wet floor and standing upright dancing in the sun. well I'm often inspired by what other people have to say about me, it has sent me flying into what could be described as a tornado, fragmented ideas going round and round in the old gray box, the important thing to remember is that I am not alone and will not walk down that dark and lonely road, but I must be more honest with myself and the people that are around me, and hopefully the rewards will come. I'm by no means ready

I don't want to be apart of this group anymore so I must accept and adapt, by changing the things

For as long as I can remember I've been blaming other people for the things that I believe are wrong with me....I can think of two people that I can almost certainly blame everything on, I see why I feel like this, and at the same time I know full well that although these people were very bad to me the only reason I feel like this now is because I let myself. I must be honest for once and say that all this time I've wanted to feel like this and the little outbursts are the times when I've felt this is just stupid and I must do something about it, but all I've ever done is come up with another plan that is almost certain to fail at some point, and really what I should be doing is being honest with myself about what I really want. So it all comes down to me making the changes, and for my to feel like I've progresses I must jump in with both feet and get stuck in no matter what, and if it doesn't work get back up then try again.

I'm hoping that you don't feel like I've said all this before even thought I probably have, but this time I've worded it a little different, there is no point making plans if I know I wont follow though, and we'll just end up back here doing the same old thing again and again till we all eventually give up, I'm sure my wonder full friends will be trying to the day they die or I die because they are so aw some. I don't think I'm going to wake up and be totally fine, that's not going to happen...But what will happen is a different approach is to be used.

I really liked the reply to my last post, I've been thinking about it a lot and it really does make things very simple, I like the idea of enjoin life, and love that it really doesn't matter how insignificant I am in the scale of the "Vast".