I seem to have taken a couple of steps back.

Over the past couple of years I felt like I was progressing, getting past my issues, but now I'm starting to feel like that what I tried to change hasn't don't anything, and it gets frustrating feeling like I'm going backwards when I feel like I'm pushing so hard to go forwards. I don't want to feel this way, I can imagine that anyone who keeps up to date with my Blog is already thinking "ffs he never listens" but ffs fuck off if you think that, I wish I didn't feel like this and I'm not going to apologise for it, sorry...Joke I'm not fucking sorry FUCK YOU!

I'm getting older and as time goes by I feel like I'm wasting my life doing nothing, and really I'm doing nothing, I sit here listening to music feeling like shit and trying to imagine what it would be like to die or something like that. I feel like I'm being punished, I'm sure it's not as hard for everyone else, It seem like I'm the only one in the world like me, and it's really fucking tough. I don't think, well I try not to, but sometimes that rusty old ball of mud that is often referred to as the brain has a happening and an outburst of electrical discharges blast through the empty hollow interconnecting tubes that make-up the pathways to another dimension in my mind find there way into what could be considered a thought.

I don't want to do anything, I don't feel like doing anything, I want to be something, I want to feel like I'm good at something. I've felt like I don't want to do things for a long time but now I'm lucky if I can sit down and watch a TV show without thinking that it's shit and I can't be fucked watching it even though I'm just going to sit there being me and doing nothing else, I guess I'm bored of being me, I guess I don't want to be me, I think that there is no point to my life, I hate to say it but there's no point to any of this, we as the human race will be gone faster than the blink of an eye in comparison to the scale of the multiverse...piss off.

I would slit my wrists right now if I knew it would end this retarded thing that is commonly known as My Life.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you and some more fuck you!

scrotum open really really young...

People like eating and sleeping everyday

I find it hard to think of a helpful reply for these kinds of posts, there's nothing I haven't already said to you over the years that I think would make any difference. We just go round and round in circles.

I want to help, I really really do. It majorly sucks that you can't enjoy life. We may just be electrons zipping around inside skulls filled with grey matter perched upon moving, talking blobs of flesh on this insignificant speck of spinning iron and rock in the big nothingness of the 'verse, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't enjoy it. Our emotions help us navigate our meat sacks through the physical world with as little harm as possible, but for some reason yours aren't doing that. You are by no means alone, this happens to many people and the unfortunate side effect of sadness is self-pity and loathing which makes it all the harder to see that.

Knowing this will not help though. We are, for the most part, irrational creatures. We act on impulse and rationalise our actions after the fact. You feel sad and your mind tells you it's because you deserve it. It tells you you are worthless and useless, and thinking that of yourself saps any motivation to achieve the things that would excite your mind and make it release some chemicals to give you a brain boner, which is to say, happiness. It's a vicious circle and the only way to break it is at the source.

Cute Ursula told ten indians nothing goes, I suppose Nancy ordered toast

Which leads me to say something I hope will not offend, but I shall not bullshit.
You listen. You do not act.
I cannot remember the amount of times we have talked about your problems. I try to offer my meagre advice as best I can, as do many others. I know you listen as you almost always seem happier about things after coming up with some kind of plan. This lasts a while until that feeling of progression fades away and you slip back into your lonely pit of despair. The trouble is you don't act on the plan, or at least not enough to see it gain root and sprout some benefit. After you agreed you should see a doctor (which I still think is your best course of action) I tried to not let you forget, I texted and IM'd every day reminding you to make an appointment until even I lost hope and forgot. Things don't happen by thinking, things happen by doing. No matter how uncomfortable they make you feel, it can't be worse than how you feel now.

Unfortunately we cannot force you to do anything. You are the lone soldier fighting through the field of battle while we cheer you on from the sidelines. We cannot see what you see. If you fall, we cannot carry you. We can only attempt to assess the situation from our vantage point and try to impart our experience to you through advice, it's up to you how (or if) you use it.

Telling us how to help you is a doing action. Your blog is saying you WANT help but we need to know HOW to help. Only you know that. It will feel uncomfortable but once upon a time you were scared to use the toilet and now you do it all the time (I hope). Doing things outside our comfort zone is how we progress, and I’m pretty sure you want to progress.

Anyway, all of this is just my opinion. If you don't agree then tell me.

I would like to end on a positive note. You are of no more or less worth than anyone else on this planet. We are all amazing products of coincidence and I think the fact we exist at all is enough to enjoy our existence. Our brains are awesomely intricate and we have created our own reality as a way for our minds to experience the physical world. Our minds also created society as a way for our species to survive, alone we are weak but together we are strong. For whatever reason, among the thousands of people I have met (and disliked), my mind decided it liked your mind. Through happiness and sadness my mind keeps on thinking "Chris is worth staying friends with, with him around I am stronger". For what it’s worth, I think that's pretty damn awesome.

The herd eats and never sees where elephants rise