This is the dawn of my new blog that will not be limited to the same old things the last one was, meaning that this time round I want to give myself the freedom to post whatever is on my mind rather than just the depressing stuff, also this time I know what I want to get from doing this, and it’s simple, to get the thoughts out of my head. (That last bit sounds like a cool idea for a website, and it could be called post your mind)

As of right now I’m feeling quite depressed for some unknown reason, this seems to happen a lot, one minute I’m fine and happy the next I’m sad, It gets really annoying when I’m planning to do something with someone and before we’ve finished getting ready to actually do it I feel like I want to jump of a bridge or slit my wrists. I feel bad for leaving while in the middle of something but there’s not much I can do about it apart from maybe being honest about why I’m going instead of just turning my computer off or walking out, I guess I should apologise for doing that so sorry to anyone that I’ve done that to.

I don’t understand why I’m shy and unconfident, I try not to care about what others think of me, but it’s something that has always bothered me, I just wish that It didn’t stop me from doing things that I might enjoy or like. I’ve been trying for a long time to force myself into uncomfortable situations that will possible help me overcome what it is that I’m scared off, but unfortunately so far it’s not done any good, probably because I can only do it when I’m not feeling down.

Almost every night I get this feeling like there is something changing in my head only to find that by the morning the feeling is already dissipating, and is almost gone by the time I’m fully awake. It’s like a mega boost in confidence where I feel like anything is possible, and a feeling that my sadness will be gone and never come back. Unfortunately this feeling sometimes backfires because I start to get really sad, actually that happens a lot. This is most probably the reason I have trouble sleeping because my mind is all over the place thinking about how I can do anything and then if it all goes wrong I’m stuck with feeling pretty much the opposite, I wish I could just switch off when I got to bed, but that doesn’t seem to happen, although listening to music while lying there seems to take my mind off things and eventually I fall asleep.

I’m guessing that anyone that knows me well enough will probably be sad to hear about this or hate me but that’s OK, I’m still doing that cool thing all the emotionally unstable emo fucks out there are doing, you know where they find some super sharp object like a knife or blade and press it hard against the skin so that the mental pain can be pushed aside by that good old physical pain, also that red stuff that come pouring out sure is pretty to look at when it’s flowing from you, fuck sake I’m getting mixed up with the first person third person you I’m and all that.

I’m going to take a bit from an unpublished blog of mine because I found it a little interesting reading it back after a couple of weeks....It’s titled “Tempted by the shiny demon that stole my life”

The first one is always the hardest and the one that holds the most guilt, but once it’s over there is a greater demand for the rest, and becomes very difficult to continue with restraint while almost impossible to stop.

Thanks for reading.

Love, Chris.