I've finally realized that wishing and hoping thing's will happen is pointless, I'm sure you've all come to the same conclusion many years ago, but I've now without a doubt done the same. I feel like I'm being punished for something that I've done, I guess I just feel like there are things about me that I can't change and it's like "Why me?", and no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to fix them. You maybe wondering what I don't like about myself now I've started talking about it, but guess what??? I'm not going to tell you, maybe you should have a guess and I'll tell you if your right or not...There are a lot of thinks I wish I were and some of them are probably achievable if I really tried but I know they will take a lot of work and most likely end badly and be a waste of time and effort, but like they say "If you don't try, your wont succeed" or something along those lines.

Not many people know that I decided to go to Newcastle to see my very good friend Rocky and his annoying girlfriend Rachel :P (That was a joke Rach!!). As I was driving there I was thinking a lot about when I use to live there and trying not to crash my car into the useless fuckers that pull out in front of you then slow down and act like dip shits on the road, anyway as I got closer I started to feel a little down with all them memories coming firing back at me, and lots of bad thoughts crossed my mind. Then I got to the city and saw the orange glow from the street lights covering the sky's with a wonderful orange tint, well something like that. I stopped for a little while on a random street and tried to pull myself together which I believe I did really well, I sat there for a couple of minutes looking at the path that reminded me about one time I went out and was determined to end my life, I'd been thinking about it the day before, I guess I knew that it would bother me going back so it was all fresh in my mind. I think it's probably one of the main reason I don't go visit Rocky and Rachel much, but I like going there, I like being around people I like. There was a couple of time I wanted to getup and be by myself because I could feel something inside me exploding trying to get out, but I held back. I really had a weird feeling being in my old bed room, I'd lay there trying to get to sleep but instead I'd just be playing back stuff that happened back when I lived there, unfortunately not much of it was the good stuff, bad memories seem to over power good ones.

I think what I need to do is decide what I really want to do with my life and work out what things to really concentrate on. The best thing to do would probably be to make some sort of list that has all the things I want to do and just work my way though them, some things would probably not need to ever be removed and some are not really achievable, but that's why I need a way of working out what is and what isn't so I'll have to make sure I put down all the reasons I should and shouldn't choose to do something, I will keep my options open as always, but I feel like I should really try and focus on a set amount of things. I don't want to be the same all my life, feeling like I'm not getting anywhere so this seems like some sort of solution...I wont hope or wish for it to work I'll just have to make it work :)

FUCKING SHIT GOOGLE DOCS!!! JUST LOST A LOAD BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING WANK, TEACH ME TO USE A SHITTY WANK FUCKING DOG SHIT WEB FUCKING DICK PISS BROWSER APP THING. FUCK YOU GOOGLE AND YOUR SHIT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, HOPE YOU DIE FROM AIDS OR SOMETHING.

I know the fucking feeling about most of this! Especially the feeling about not getting anywhere and wanting to be alone.

And the joke about me so wasn't a joke :p Say what you feel and mean it!