I’m searching for inspiration even though I don’t believe it’s something that you can find, I do believe that it’s something that finds me, and that probably makes less sense that the other way round. I know that sitting here being bored is stupid when there are so many things in the world to do; I guess I’m just crap at actually doing them.

I think I’m a social retard, some would probably think it would fit better if I removed the social bit, thank you fuckers....Anyway I’m not sure what I want, I guess I want to be social and do stuff with people but at the same time I’m also thinking that I hate people and being social. I’m all messed up and to be honest it’s your fault.

I’ve had a cold or something for the past week now and I feel like crap but I do feel a little better today, all though last night was very shitty cause every time I feel asleep I woke up and had pains everywhere, that made it very hard to actually fall asleep when it felt like everything was hurting, I’m sure when I’ve had colds and things in the past they’ve never been this bad, maybe they are getting stronger or I’m getting weaker. I’m in a funny mood at the moment; I feel like doing something but can’t be fucked to do whatever I think I want to do.

Pretty much everything I’ve said in this post is pointless, I’ve got no ideas, they seem to have flown away with the fluffy monkeys with purple bums that live on the left side of the moon, in the square solar system located between bengigle and flippergrap, I hear they like to steal people ideas and force them to search for inspiration that doesn’t exist, to be honest we should get the police involved before they start taking people imaginations as well, I hope that one day well be able to make some sort of idea shield that will be able to protect our ideas, thank fuck they never got that idea cause we would be doomed without it, Imagine a world without new ideas, it’d be much like now only the same. That makes me think about a stupid question I heard someone ask today, make up your own mind about it but my thoughts are right so fuck you if you think different, “What would the world be like if the wheel was never invented?” now if you ask me I would say, the same but it was an inevitable invention if you can call it an invention, but without a wheel I think we would be so advanced that we could just think things and they would happen, we evolved though tools and that’s how we will continue to evolve now, I don’t see use getting more brain power or anything like that, we well become cyborgs and machines and try spread the human destructive decease that we are...I think we were born for one reason and that’s to kill for our own good, you could word it different but when it comes down to it only one thing matters to all of us and that’s me :P

I find it absolutely amazing how people can change my mood instantly by acting like a complete arse, I have enough dealing with my mood changes without someone else purposely trying to upset me, and it just made me feel so angry/sad and I just wanted to pull out a knife and dig deep into my skin while the fuck face was standing there, but instead I put on a smile and pretended that everything was fine, I’m sure that actually makes it 10 times worse later on cause then everything gets me more down, until I relieve my anger/sadness. I feel I should tell you a little about the person that started it all off, I’m going to refer to this person as twat because that is what he is. A while back this twat came into the shop with a faulty computer acting like he was important and expected me to drop everything I was doing so I could repair his shitty old PC, I was very good to him and repaired the computer and he got it back, then a week later he takes it back in, this time the computer was damaged by a electrical surge, the boss sold him a new computer and we spend days setting it up and explain how to do everything and I can guarantee we had lost money on the sale because of the amount of time spent doing this yet today he came into the shop and started being a totally fucking dick to me and had the cheek to say that he’s not getting what he paid for, and I feel like there was no reason to treat me like this when it’s really not my fault he’s a stinky fat fuck dick twat face cunt wanker retard.

Also this morning I had my first driving lesson which seemed to go pretty well, there were a couple of things I got wrong like not checking my blind spots when starting off and hesitating a little at junctions, but apart from that he was pretty happy with my performance and said it’s not going to take me many lessons because I already seem to know most stuff, he did say to practice my clutch control. I feel like I learnt a bit so it’s pretty good, unfortunately y I don’t really like his car, the brakes seem a bit sensitive, but it’s probably just because I’m use to driving my car. Next week he wants me to do manoeuvres like reverse parking and stuff like that. Hope it doesn’t take me to long to pass.

I think that’s all for now, I don’t feel like writing now... :( I can’t even be fucked reading it back to see if it actually makes sense so if it doesn’t sorry.

Good news everyone I’ve discovered that with the power of positive thinking, I have been able to instantly change my life, this is absolutely incredible that I was able to do this, basically all I needed to do was think about what I wanted to change and it was changed just like that, some people will be thinking it can’t be that easy, but it really is, all you need is to be is positive. I’m not saying that I’m super happy or anything, but what I am saying is things that I don’t like about myself and am able to change, have been changed. If I get sad I’m going deal with it in the same way, but one of the things I changed is my ability to say how I feel well the ability was always there but the will to say it wasn’t, I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t give a fuck if you know that I will cut myself when I get sad and don’t care what you think when I write about it.

In other news...I would like to take the time to tell you about this guy who came into the shop today, He was wearing a white coat, had long hair, glasses and was listening to music. The first odd thing about this guy was he was staring at some other person in the shop and to be honest I thought he was going to walk over to him and start humping his leg, not sure what this says about my imagination but it sure is fucked up, I mean humping another guys leg in a public place what a total loser, I’d have waited till he went outside and round the corner, anyway back to what I was talking about. The second thing that was odd is he spoke funny like a little 10 year old but he must have been about 17-18, and the third thing and the main reason I’ve decided to tell you about him is that he asked me if it would be possible for me to get a mic for his headset (it has a removable mic and costs like £10) and after asking the boss if the company did them my thought stayed the same so I told him no, then he asked me if anyone needed the one that was in another one that was for sale...after thinking how retarded that was for 10 seconds I replied with “You’d need to find the person that buys it and ask them if they would like to give you the mic, but why would anyone buy a headset and give one of its main functions away” he didn’t seem impressed with my logic and walked out the door crying like a little baby. (No it wasn’t Kris but it reminded me of him :P)

I’m not so sure what the fuck I’m on but I am making use of this site by saying what is on my mind and getting it out there. I also discoverer a good way to meet girls is to take your pussy with you, I know this because there was a cat in the shop and this young lady was like “awww so cute” and it started a conversation, didn’t go far but If her boyfriend wasn’t there I totally would have not asked her out cause I didn’t discover the power of positive thinking until about 30 minutes ago while laying on my bed and the cat jumped up and lay down beside me and then I tried to push it off my bed but it just dug it’s claws in and wouldn’t budge and that’s when it hit me like a bus on the motorway.

Let’s all thank the power of positive thinking.

Love, Chris.

This is the dawn of my new blog that will not be limited to the same old things the last one was, meaning that this time round I want to give myself the freedom to post whatever is on my mind rather than just the depressing stuff, also this time I know what I want to get from doing this, and it’s simple, to get the thoughts out of my head. (That last bit sounds like a cool idea for a website, and it could be called post your mind)

As of right now I’m feeling quite depressed for some unknown reason, this seems to happen a lot, one minute I’m fine and happy the next I’m sad, It gets really annoying when I’m planning to do something with someone and before we’ve finished getting ready to actually do it I feel like I want to jump of a bridge or slit my wrists. I feel bad for leaving while in the middle of something but there’s not much I can do about it apart from maybe being honest about why I’m going instead of just turning my computer off or walking out, I guess I should apologise for doing that so sorry to anyone that I’ve done that to.

I don’t understand why I’m shy and unconfident, I try not to care about what others think of me, but it’s something that has always bothered me, I just wish that It didn’t stop me from doing things that I might enjoy or like. I’ve been trying for a long time to force myself into uncomfortable situations that will possible help me overcome what it is that I’m scared off, but unfortunately so far it’s not done any good, probably because I can only do it when I’m not feeling down.

Almost every night I get this feeling like there is something changing in my head only to find that by the morning the feeling is already dissipating, and is almost gone by the time I’m fully awake. It’s like a mega boost in confidence where I feel like anything is possible, and a feeling that my sadness will be gone and never come back. Unfortunately this feeling sometimes backfires because I start to get really sad, actually that happens a lot. This is most probably the reason I have trouble sleeping because my mind is all over the place thinking about how I can do anything and then if it all goes wrong I’m stuck with feeling pretty much the opposite, I wish I could just switch off when I got to bed, but that doesn’t seem to happen, although listening to music while lying there seems to take my mind off things and eventually I fall asleep.

I’m guessing that anyone that knows me well enough will probably be sad to hear about this or hate me but that’s OK, I’m still doing that cool thing all the emotionally unstable emo fucks out there are doing, you know where they find some super sharp object like a knife or blade and press it hard against the skin so that the mental pain can be pushed aside by that good old physical pain, also that red stuff that come pouring out sure is pretty to look at when it’s flowing from you, fuck sake I’m getting mixed up with the first person third person you I’m and all that.

I’m going to take a bit from an unpublished blog of mine because I found it a little interesting reading it back after a couple of weeks....It’s titled “Tempted by the shiny demon that stole my life”

The first one is always the hardest and the one that holds the most guilt, but once it’s over there is a greater demand for the rest, and becomes very difficult to continue with restraint while almost impossible to stop.

Thanks for reading.

Love, Chris.